I feel because of my illness everything is my fault and i am paranoid. But its not all my fault!
My sister made herself and her daughter dinner then walked in while eating said “if you want something help yourself ” it took 3hours to get there and she couldn’t offer while doing her own dinner.
I sat there thinking i am at fault i should of brought my own food, i shouldn’t be there, i am a burden, i am not good enough for her to think about while doing her dinner.
This then made me cry, feel uncomfortable, feel like i shouldn’t be there and i should go home, i sat there checking the train times.
Isnt is sad how one thing can change everything !!!
Because i have this illness not everything is my fault!
I now write things down in a notebook, then work through, what is said, how i feel and what to do, once it out my head hopefully i might be able to act in a different way.
So once again i plan the day the night before, i find night time hard so i try and plan the next day, i suppose it gives me something to look forward to and calms me down a little that its planned and i am prepared.
But now woke up feeling to tired and no energy that i end up curled up in bed can’t sleep. Then bang !!! my head starts thinking first why cant i sleep i am a failure i cant even sleep for a few hours and wake up feeling good. Then a failure for not being able to move or get out of bed.
Isn’t is strange how that feeling changes to a bad thought get bigger and bigger and how it efffects your body.
I am jealous of how people can get out of bed and function everyday, but then how i feel bad as others have illness that are so much worse than this and how they get on with there life.
I cant stop eating then feel sick and crap then eat again. Why cant i stop, i know i shouldn’t of brought the crisps and chocolate, why oh why!!
I wish i could get help, i start off so well, then my mood drops and i can’t stop eating.
They provide help to stop smoking, but not eating too much, i have tried to help myself.
I meet my friend for 2 hours, i felt very uncomfortable, sometimes feel like i have nothing to talk about. My mind works so fast when out with people, i am on edge, feels like i am on show to the world and they are waiting for me to fall to pieces.
I came back home and my body is shaking and feels like someone is winding me up, all i end up doing is eat and eat, i feel sick, mouth feels ruff and nasty and i feel sick but i still cant stop, i talk to al, my friend for 11 years and tell him, he is good he doesn’t get stressed he just tells me to sit on the sofa and slow down.
Its hard to describe how your body is running so fast and you are ready to blow up.
I am going to colour see if i can calm down.
Woke up, in pain all over my body, couldn’t move for a while.
I had planned to go to the gym this morning clearly i cant, i get a cuppa and get on the sofa.
I keep looking at the clock and working out if i can go to the gym, but then get stressed working out/planning, then feel like a failure for not doing a simple thing.
I have agreed to meet a friend for a coffee at 10.30, ( i have cancelled so many times so i am trying to be a good friend and not cancell) i have to have a shower as its been a few day! I have sat working out how i get there its only 1 bus for 10 stops but i still have to work out times and plan when to leave and what to wear so i look normal
( whatever that is)
In my head if i have done my hair and get dressed everyone will think i am ok.
Today is day one (again ) for my diet, i have had breakfast 🙂 one small step, i normally leave it till i am so hungry and eat rubbish.